The Leader, Deireadh Fómhair 1988

by Martin O'Hara 11 PART TWO The Story so far: Andy owner of the "Half Moon" disco in Dunfanaghy, has been e~ten by a giant Lasagne. No one has witness~d his horrible demise, and the police are baffled. An alien spaceship has landed on nearby Horn Head on a routine mission. They are about to become embroiled in the saga. The Gardai were totallybaffled. What on earth had happened to Andy, the owner of the "Half Moon" disco? Why were the remains of the building covered in what looked like a leftover lasagne ? These questions and a thou– sand more were spinning around the head of detective Chief Superintendent Ernie O'Reilly as he stood contemplating the scene. He was unsure of what to do next so he held his chin and assumed a look of puzzled amazement. At that same instant, high up on Horn Head, Captain Henry Borthwick, commander of an alien spacecraft called "The Bonny Albatross", stood look– ing out across Sheephaven Bay, unsure of what to do next. He held his chin and assumed a look ofpuzzled amazement. What had only been a routine ob– servation mission had gone badly wrong. Firstly, whilst approaching Earth the previous day, his ship has struck a meteor and sustained serious damage to its refrigeration plant. As a result, virtually all the cans of lager on board had gone that awful warm and a bit flat way. On top of that, his second in com– mand, Dougal McBrayne had proved himself somewhat unreliable. The Cap– tain suspected that McBrayne had a drink problem and once or twice he was sure he had caught the smell of whiskey off his breath during working hours. Last night, when they had landed upon Horn Head, McBrayne had been ex– pressly told by the Captain to make sure that the landing lights were off. But had he? Had he snuff. He had been far too busy guzzling whiskey on the sly and as a result the ship's main power source, Dilitheum Crystal, had been al– most totally run down. So the captain and his crew were stranded until such times as more Lithium could be found. It may be necessary to explain to the reader at this point something of the background of these strange travellers. Their home planet was known as Caledonae, and had an interesting history. Hundreds ofyears ago, it had been decided to "borrow" a whole race of Earth people for research purposes. They chose the Picts, a fearsome band of warriors who inhabited Scotland during Roman times. The Picts however had proved too much of a handful for the peaceful aliens and had soon become the dominant force on the planet. So it was that an alien race who spoke in Scottish accents and had a strong sense of Scottish heritage plied the spaceways of the late 20th century. Chief O'Reilly sat in his squad and brooded over the facts. Beside him sat his right hand man, sergeant Deary. The chief broke the silence. "Let's examine the facts Deary. Number one, Andy, prominent local business man is missing. Number two. His disco is all but destroyed. Number three. The remains of his premises are covered inwhat looks like lasagne. What do these facts point to Deary?" "Emm...Andy...Andy was attacked and possibly killed by a giant La– sagne?". "Don't be ridiculous Deary. That is exactlywhat the villain, whoever he is,wants you to think. No, what we've got here Deary is a cunning plot to make us think that the lasagne has something to do with it. A red herring Deal)'. A red herring". "Yes sir". Captain Borthwick stood under the gently humming "BonnyAlbatross" and discussed the situation with his two most senior officers, Dougal McBrayne and Curly Bishop. "This is a fine bloody pickle we're in noo", he spat. "Nae bloody juice in oor Crystals and we're stranded in this bloody hell hole". "You're the so-called captain, pal", countered McBrayne. "You should ken whit ti dae aboot it". "Och you, you couldnae give two snuffs as long as you git yir dram iwhis– key inside you". "Cumun now boys. Is this argue bargueing going to get us anywhere ? " This voice of reason belonged to third in command Curly Bishop. What we need is a plan". "You're right, Curly", said the Captain. "We have to find someone who will be able to lead us to some Lithium. A geologist perhaps". Steve Jolley, doctor of geology, strode purposefully up towards Horn Head. His long blond locks blewaround his craggy features. He looked wind– blown and extremely interesting. He hummed one of his favourite tunes. "Tum, tum, tum. Far away on my Donegal Shore". Life for Steve was going verywell. He had been offered five different jobs with five different multi-na– tional oil companies in the past week. Yes,the world was his oyster. Unknown to Steve, he was about to be offered the strangest job of his life... (to be continued) DOWNTOWN SQUASH CLUB 1988·89 SEASON STARTS ON OCTOBER 1st ~ MEMBERSHIP FEES: SINGLE £60.00 * MARRIED COUPLES £75.00 FAMILY £90.00 * STUDENT £30.00 Groups of 1Oor more are negotiable - Banks, Factories, Schools, etc. BEGINNERS COACHING AVAILABLE ANYTIME NON-MEMBERS WELCOME- RACKETS & BALLS AVAILABLE SPECIAL OFFER - Anyone who joins before Wednesday, 5th October will received 10% discount BE ACTIVE - PLAY SQUASH